I received a wonderful phone call from my aunt this morning. She told me that it was good seeing me and seeing me smile and laugh, genuinely. She said it has been a long time since she has seen this and she isn't sure what is going on, but it seems like I am in a good place and I should keep it up. I thanked her for her kind words and I am going to try to remember them when the self doubt comes creeping in and the negative self talk is just too loud that I can't hear anything else.
Yes I am in a better place then I was a year ago and a much better place then I was two years ago, but I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I am not happy like I should be. I spend my days sick to stomach, thinking I am not good enough at any thing. I worry about my children, money, my marriage. I know this sounds selfish, but I am worried about the summer time and my kids and me now working full time during the summer. I have to stick my kids in a daycare and I won't be able to go places with them or do things with them.... it is really getting to me. I know a lot of people are in the grown up world and have to work all year round and their kids go to daycare and mine will be fine (I hope), but for 13 years I have had summers off and for my sons 9 years and my daughters 6 years I have been home with them and we would do things and go places.
I was just thinking to myself the other day that it is about time to go see a psychotherapist again and try again to get my head straight,
I just have to come to terms with the fact that I have to make the best of what I have, do the best I can, and that I will never have my cake and eat it to.
Happy New Year